Never, ever say, “This is the best team they’ve had in my lifetime”

We can’t count how many times we heard this fateful claim during the Cubs 2008 campaign, which, if you need us to remind you, ended in epic, pathetic, despicable failure. At the bar, at work, at family functions, at the Fourth of July BBQ—“this is the best they’ve ever been,” “the whole team is great,” “Fukudome is, like, Miyagi dude.” No no no. All it did was give Cubs fans a false sense of security, a dumb and misguided base of hope, that this year was the year. Problem is, Cubs fans are a weepy bunch who like the storybook. Cubs fans like “Field of Dreams.” Sox fans don’t have time for movies, they’re too busy recalling the ‘05 season. One-hundred years meant something to Cubs supporters, and now that they’re facing a hundred more, hopefully each passing season means less and less and we can avoid the uniquely inevitable disaster and disappointment.

Audience choice:
It’s never going to happen

Audience Comments: “be a Sox fan”;
“CUBS = Completely Useless By September”;“Maybe next year…”

Best of Chicago 2008

Carlos Zambrano’s no-hitter

While 100 years wasn’t enough to break a championship drought, it only took thirty-six years for the Cubs to break another record. Three weeks before the team’s dismal first-round shutout in the playoffs, Carlos Zambrano became the first Cubs pitcher in three-plus decades to throw a no-hitter as the North Siders visited the hurricane-displaced Astros in their adopted home of Milwaukee on September 14. Throwing 110 pitches with a season-high ten strikeouts and just one walk, Zambrano’s performance was a short-lived glimmer of hope that blessed the fielders with a rare night off.

Best of Chicago 2008

Kerry Wood

Because he’s been on the Cubs longer than any other current player. Because he battled back from injury after injury, criticism after criticism, setback after setback. Because he reinvented himself as a player, refined his talents and proved to be a reliable, and sometimes lights-out, closer, a stopper good enough to make it on the 2008 National League All-Star roster. Because it was a fairy-tale story, one that was of personal triumph, no matter how disappointingly the team’s season ended. Because we’ll never forget the day he struck out twenty. And because even now, ten years after that remarkable performance, the guy’s still got that rocket for an arm.

Audience choice:
Carlos Quentin

Best of Chicago 2008

Cubschic.com

You don’t have to be a baseball specialist to read the cubschic.com blog since Jennifer Lyng doesn’t blab on about statistics. This “chic” focuses on the players and spices up her writing with opinions on Big Z’s meltdowns, AAA call-ups and Soriano’s hop. A former boyfriend bought her the domain name so she’d stop venting to him. “Cubschic” is “Chic. Cubs” with the words reversed, get it? Lyng’s baseball upbringing rocked: her mom let her skip school in fifth grade to attend opening day, and her grandmother worked in broadcasting with Jack Brickhouse, so she never wanted for Cubs tickets.

Best of Chicago 2008

It’s more unlikely than the Chicago 2016 Olympics

What would you rather see happen? A Cubs-Sox Series or the whole world infiltrate the South Side for two weeks? Less than two years ago the idea of Chicago hosting a global event as popular as the Olympics seemed absurd; now, as we’ve been instantly catapulted into the Earth’s consciousness with Barack Obama—the most powerful Sox fan in the history of baseball—elected prez, we’ll all be better off if we start studying the rules of water polo right now. Deep down, we don’t want the Cubs-Sox series because we cherish the fantasy so much. What would we do if it all came down to a best-of-seven? The rivalry would change, and we enjoy the rivalry too much to allow it to slip from us. Bragging rights? They’re fun, but not nearly as fun as the family spats, the trading insults with friends, the badgering at the workplace. It’s not the apprehension, it’s the pursuit. And lucky for us, the apprehension always seems too far out of reach.

Audience choice:

It’s still a fantasy….
Audience Comments: “All the black and blue shirts will make the stadiums look like big bruises (which is what a lot of fans would end up with during that series)”; “Cubs actually in the world series”; “It will forevermore be untainted by reality”; “At least we’re a city of dreamers.”

Best of Chicago 2008

Bernie’s Tavern

Picking a Cubs bar after everyone’s had nine innings of beer is either the easiest thing to do or the hardest, depending on what kind of person you are. If you’re a drunken buffoon, it’s easy, because who cares where you go, you don’t even know where you are anyway. If you dig baseball and want to have a beer afterwards to talk about the game, you need to choose the lesser of, well, several evils, and our vote’s for Bernie’s. Bernie’s has a spacious interior that doesn’t make you feel trapped in a nauseating “Old School” remake, plus the ample-sized patio helps. The price of beer, well, you’re in Wrigleyville, smart guy. Prepare to hear many orders of “Lites.”

3664 N. Clark
(773)525-1898

Audience choice:
Cubby Bear
1059 W. Addison
(773)327-1662

Best of Chicago 2008

Murphy’s Bleachers

The famed watering hole at the corner of Sheffield and Waveland—behind Wrigley Field, essentially—is a bit clichéd and overrated, but, let’s face it, so are the Cubs. What makes Murphy’s the Cub bar is not only location, however, it’s the legend of Jim Murphy, who bought the bar in 1980 and ran it like a baseball fan, not like a businessman. Plus, you take one look outside the window, and you got a shot of Wrigley’s bleachers. For being in a tavern, you can’t beat that.

3655 North Sheffield
(773)281-5356

Audience Choice (tie)
Murphy’s

Sluggers
3540 North Clark
(773)248-0055

Best of Chicago 2007

Jimbo’s Lounge

If you spot a Cubs fan in Bridgeport’s Jimbo’s and he’s not bloodied up, be patient. A whole whirlwind of aggravation surfaced when it was announced recently that Jimbo’s may be closing sometime soon, as it’s by far the most beloved White Sox bar in town. Solid, blue-collar South Side booze and eats. Cubbie-blue beware, this is not your turf, and you’re in over your head. Remember when the bar was highlighted on national television during game four of the ’05 series? Yeah, it’s like that. It even calls itself the Anti-Cubby Bear.

3258 South Princeton
(312)326-3253

Audience Choice
Jimbo’s

Best of Chicago 2007

Mark Cuban

Can anyone really argue? The hands-on billionaire was at the forefront of one of the most astonishing professional-sports turnarounds in history, seeing his Dallas Mavericks morph into one of the NBA’s most feared teams. A no nonsense, win-at-all-costs owner is exactly what the Cubs have been missing for, oh, a century, and he could be the one man in the world who could bring the North Side a championship. As a bonus? He was spotted at Wrigley just a few weeks ago taking in a game. Not in an elitist club box either. In the bleachers.

Audience Choice
Mark Cuban

Best of Chicago 2007

The Street

Do it old-school, and get your tickets at the corner of Addison and Clark. The Cubs are an archaic team anyway, and the Internet lacks the personality of grabbing some quick tix from a total stranger just before first pitch. In this age of technology, however, you have to be careful you’re not being tricked—but if you can’t spot a fake ticket (or one that is Standing-Room Only), you should’ve bought your seats in advance anyway, pal.

Audience Choice (tie)
Craigslist

Murphy’s
3655 North Sheffield
(773)929-7061

on the street

Best of Chicago 2007